Two for the Road

I'm moderately to extremely excited today!

Our venue told us about a month ago that they may have a gorgeous temple built in our ceremony location by the time our wedding comes along. I didn't put much credence into it at the time because I sort of knew that the owner of the property (an eccentric billionaire...oh to be one of those) sometimes doesn't follow through on his best laid plans.. but in my secret heart though I knew deep down I was desperately hoping it would happen.

I really needed to find out if the temple was going ahead, firstly because the suspense and the not knowing has been killing me, but mostly as we have floral arrangements for the ceremony and I needed to know if there would be a flat based surface to place them on as the pedestals we have organised for the arrangements to stand on look heavy but are deceptively light weight and would be too precarious to just sit on grass. With no temple built we would need to source heavier based pedestals that would be safer for the arrangements. All very detailed and tedious I know!! Sooooo I twisted Mark's arm today and had him call the venue to establish the progress...annnnnd our eccentric billionaire told us the slab has been laid and the construction is underway and henceforth...the temple WILL be ready for our wedding, and in fact we will be the FIRST ever to be married under it.

For reference, they have designed it to look similar to this beautiful temple at Silvestri's:



Sorry for the blur - stupid google images, was the best I could do! We have only seen a hand drawn sketch of the actual proposed temple but it was similar in design to this (when Chris told us about the idea last month, I was like "temple...wtf???" It took a quick sketch to actually get me to understand what the hell he was talking about). In our initial planning process when we had not been to Kingsbrook, I remember seeing the above picture and seriously contemplating having our wedding at Silvestri's because of how beautiful that particular structure looked (there were many many many other things that put me OFF having our day there though hence why we arent!),. Annnnyway... when Chris showed us the sketch of the temple proposed for Kingsbrook I immediately thought to myself "omg it's just like Silvestri's!!!" and as Kingsbrook has a Tuscan sort of vibe to it in all it's construction I imagine that the sandstone feel of the rest of the buildings on the property will be emulated in the design and construction of the temple too.

So I am PSYCHED! Really psyched. Really really REALLY psyched. I did a little dance in the kitchen when Mark told me. There is of course a tiny little naysayer that has taken up residence in the crook of my ear that whispered to me "yeah but it still MIGHT not happen. It MIGHT not get finished..and then what?? You can get married on the big slab of concrete that has been laid in preparation for it instead right?? Niiiiceeeee.." but I have promptly picked up the little irritant by the toe and flicked him into our lush carpeted living room rug. Take that tiny naysayer!!!

I am also a bit (lot!!) bubbley about my wedding dress again. Looking over the pictures from yesterday again and again and again...and then again for good measure, I realised how much I truly do love my dress. I adore it. When wearing it I feel unique and special and it makes swishy noises when I walk. It's creamy and luxe and luxurious and not just your average wedding dress. I definitely made the right choice. Oh I'm sure there are any number of beautiful divine dresses that may have looked amazing and felt like the one, but this is the one that found me, and this is the one that I will wear when I marry the man that I love, a man that I knew I loved from the moment we first kissed. This is the dress I will start the rest of my life in. And I couldn't be happier!!! So long as it still zips in four weeks time.......lol!!

In other non wedding related news (not much actually comes out of my mouth lately that is non wedding related, so take it where you can get it!!), strange unexpected things have been happening on the friends front. My lovely pregnant Irish rose Niamh and her husband have just announced they're moving, NEXT WEEKEND no less, and they happen to be moving about 3 minutes away from our house!! I'm actually really happy about this, she's a good friend and one that I imagine could be a better friend if it weren't for the fact that it has been impossible until now to just 'pop past' or 'drop in to say hi' because they've lived about 45 minutes away! Kinda kills spontaneity that does! So I think it's going to be really good for our friendship for her to live so close, particuarly as she'll need someone who can be there for her what with the birth of her first baby and all her family and friends in Ireland. I do really like her, she's not the kind of friend that I feel really "comfortable" with if I'm honest, we don't have that rapport where you can say anything and it's hysterically funny or where I feel like I could sit on the phone to her and chat and not start to feel awkward after 10 minutes... but maybe all that will change now that I'm bound to see her more with her living around the corner. I don't know. Maybe you only ever find one of those friends once in a lifetime and when Lanna ended her life I lost that and won't have it again. I don't feel that "connection" with Niamh but I do feel like she's special and kind. That should be enough really.

On top of that, I got a random facebook message from one of Mark's friends girlfriends. I know her only on the surface, we've been to their house a couple of times and been out with them as Mark is really very good friends with her partner Joel, but I didn't really imagine it was ever going to be more than just a 'chatting because our partners are friends' kind of relationship. Anyway, completely out of the blue she has asked me to meet up with her for a drink and some Christmas shopping in a few weeks. I'm down with that. I don't even know what to expect really because I don't know her that well, I know we have a lot in common but she's always seemed much more 'at one with the earth' than me. Lol. Really really nice girl though, and we both work in the same field and we both love writing and value being articulate and.... yeah...God it's weiiirddd being 27 and looking to make new friends and taking a glimmer of hope in random things like this that would be totally normal to anyone else. Suchhhh a freak I am! It's amazing how the world can suddenly turn things upside down though, you're happy with your little life, and your friends, and then something happens.. and for me that something was the loss of Lanna.. and everything changes and you re-evaluate everything that you think and everything that you know and everything that you THINK you KNOW.. and you go, actually I want something different. And for me I guess I decided I wanted different attributes in my friends, and I wanted people who valued life, people who were excited and enthusiastic and silly and not afraid to make a fool of themselves, and that weren't afraid to give (or receive) a compliment..they were all the amazing qualities Lanna had and that a lot of the other people in my life DIDN'T. So now I guess I look for people who are... a bit like her I suppose.

Lol. Man.. I sound like I'm putting together a job ad or something... HELP WANTED...apply within...! Lol. Do I sound like a complete tragic??

I'm too busy squeeeeing about temples and dresses to worry about being a tragic loser though!!!

OK. So it zipped.

Yeah yeah YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Miss-Cat owes me Champagne ;) lol. I actually quite like that Bird in Hand Sparkling Pinot, or Chandon Cuvee Riche. Big fan also of Annies Lane Moscarto, not that that's champagne but still..! It has bubbles.

So yes it zipped up.

Not entirely sure why I'm not more elated though, and why I still feel like dieting. I think I might. I felt really ugly for some reason. Maybe it's the 4 hours sleep I had last night and the 8 foot cavernous bags under my eyes. I sound like a broken record I know, but I'm not entirely sure why I didn't feel stunning and the whole vibe didn't feel joyous at all. Every time I've tried the dress on before I've felt so relieved and thrilled, but this time I was like.. 'so what it fucking zipped', it still FELT tight. Did it feel that tight the last time I tried it on?? I can't remember it was just so long ago. I do actually remember being in the fitting room last time and saying in horror "will it do up????" cos it felt like it almost wouldn't then too.. so maybe it just fits exactly the same. But I'm not sure, so the paranoia is stubbornly hanging around.

OK so I have tried to put the pics under a cut just incase Mark stumbles across this accidentally and has seen to much before he can click away......

( Clickety Clack )

Maybe it's that I still really don't like the bridesmaids dress, or the shoes that she's wearing. Or how she's planning on having her hair. Maybe it was that fact that seemed to kill the buzz. It's not my style in any way shape or form and I can't help feeling like everyone is going to go "gross bridesmaids dress" and lay the responsibility for that on me and my taste (or lack thereof) when I didn't have an alternative. I can't exactly scream from the rafters that I hate the BM dress but it was the only one she looked passable in that we could agree on and it was either that or a white and grey floral dress with a bright aqua sash that she planned to wear to a wedding the weekend BEFORE and then for a bridesmaids dress in MY wedding 7 days later. It'd be slightly different I think if there were three BM's all in the same ugly dress, but with just one bridesmaid, the whole thing will lack the matchyness that makes even an ugly dress look like it fits the theme.

Or maybe it was the fact that my mum wouldn't let go of the fact that the flower in my hair that I took along today so I could see if I wanted to wear it or not on the day was just total overkill and I decided to go against it and not wear it. It looks LOVELY in my hair with no veil, but with a veil and sparkly earrings (which look gorgeous by the way and they had actually been something that I'd not been sure of after I bought them on a whim) and all the rest happening.. a huge flower just doesn't WORK. I felt like a vegas showgirl wearing a bowl of fruit on my head with it in. And she wouldn't let it go, and it just felt like she was embarrassing me as horrible as that sounds, and being difficult and trying to pressure me and make me feel bad, and I'm sure that wasn't her intention but it's the way it went. And then she made a little show of the fact that she didn't like that I am wearing thongs, which looked absolutely flippin' (pardon the pun) adorable I might add and have been my best decision so far hands down. I just felt like saying to her "why are you killing this for me????"

And the ties don't match perfectly I might add. They will do, because they won't be hanging up right next to the BM dress and there's enough distance to make it passable, but they are not the absolute match I was hoping for. Le sigh.

Don't get me wrong, I'm relieved it zipped, I am. But why aren't I feeling more bouyant? I just tried on my wedding dress and all of a sudden I feel flat. It makes zero sense.

Can someone please just tell me honestly, no holds barred, do I look fat? Chubby? Round?

Today was one of the WORST work days ever. Seriously. I cannot BE the person who has to figure out how to put together and configure a computer, I just can't! I never put IT expert on my resume when applying for a marketing job. Never did I say in my initial interview "I know exactly which cord plugs into where, what a network cable looks like and how to ensure that it's patched to the correct port". Not once! Not even half a time! I didn't even allude to it. Computer speak is a dialect of it's own, one that I am not only not fluent in, but one I don't even recognise key words of here and there. It might as well be swahili.. or that African language where they use tongue clicks as a substitute for words. And do I NEED Daniel Custodio from IT in Sydney patronising me down the phone while I am his "eyes and ears" so he can fix the problem? Or NOT fix it, as the case may be??!! I spent 50 minutes on the phone to that prick to get nowhere aside from feeling like an absolute freakin moron. I ended up getting quite terse with him, quite terse indeed. And I'm really not the kind of person who has a go at people, usually I just go "oh okay.. I understand...that's fine!" even when I'm seething inside. I got off the phone, with the computer decidedly not fixed.. after he'd told me that if he was going to deign to do me a favour and send a contractor over to look at it then I would need to stay behind in the office after hours one day, possibly late at night, for about 3 hours minimum.. NOT HAPPENING DANIEL CUSTODIO.. I already work 9.5 hr days with zero lunch break, there's just not even the remotest possibility that I'm staying behind for hours on end, I don't get paid enough for that shit. So, I hung up, exasperated, and went into the despatch area of the office and took several deep breaths (so deep I practically made myself pass out). I was trying desperately not to cry. Absolutely desperately. Bit of a backstory... I am a crier. I can't help it, it's who I am. I cry happy. I cry sad. I cry angry. I cry frustrated. I cry during ads on TV that are particularly poignant. Sometimes I just cry. That said however, from previous bad experiences I vowed to myself I would never cry at work again and when I started my new job 6 months ago I promised myself there would be NO tears ever at work. And if I couldn't manage that mean feat then I'd just be sure to never cry in FRONT of anyone at work. And I had succeeded valiantly and hadn't ever cried during my time in this job, even though there have been times when I've wanted to. Until today that is. I had flooded eyes, you know when the tears have come in and they are filling up your lids to practically overflowing and you know that you would just have to blink ONCE for them to spill over.. well that's how it was. I tilted my head back and concentrated wholly on trying to force the tears back through my eyeballs and into oblivion. I wandered to my desk and stared angrily into the computer screen trying to will the tears away. Then. One single solitary tear squeezed itself sneakily out of my eye JUST as two of my co-workers came to see me. I was so angry at myself. They were kind (lucky for me it was the two nicest people AT work that had stumbled upon me and my leaking eye) but I was so irritated that I'd let it happen in the first place. Why was I crying over a computer?? It seemed so stupid and embarrassing. But you know when everything just escalates and escalates and you have nowhere else to go but explosion? That's how it was. I suppose I can take solice in the fact that it was only one tear, a tear that didn't even venture down my cheek but was swiftly and deftly swept away by the back of my hand no sooner had it wet my lower lashes.

I ended up calling an SA based computer tech that I have sneakily used before (we're not supposed to outsource technicians, we're supposed to go through the Sydney office IT helpdesk and exhaust every option and then THEY choose if/when they send someone and who. Well fuck that I said. I'm over this shit. So I got my young, chubby, geeky troubleshooter in and in about 30 minutes he had fixed it. Thank fucking god. I told him if I wasn't taken, I would marry him.

Tomorrow of course there will be a new drama, there always is. Even when I was on the phone to dickhead Daniel I had someone whispering over my ear that they'd just broken the binder. Jesus H Christ. Does it ever stop?? In the past two weeks we have had the ceiling collapse due to an airconditioner malfunction with flooding through the entire roof into downstairs, the carpet pulled up because of the flooding and potential mildew, consistantly malfunctioning lights throughout the office, we've had the coffee machine flood the kitchen area in the training room, we have had ANOTHER airconditioner leak into the store below, the damned computer that wouldn't work no matter what I plugged and unplugged, lying on the floor underneath a desk cricking my neck into spasm trying to get to the network port (whatever the fuck that is), a now broken binder... it's just never ending. And this is a state of the art office, not some not for profit dive with no funds to do anything!! I must have been Charles fucking Manson in a past life to get this kind of karma. And it's always MY problem. It's never anyone elses problem but mine.

Seriously, a wedding co-ordination business never looked so appealing.

I could go into a rant about what happened when I got HOME from work, and what has been happening quite OFTEN when I get home from work lately.. but I think one rant is enough for one day.

Friday.. bring on Friday. One more day. And half a day at that, thank christ. All that will need to happen will be my dress not zipping at my 5pm appointment and that will be enough for me to drink pure gasoline.

Oh the drama.

Here I am again, quite diligent in my posting, let's not look at the clock... 8:26am.. I should really be working, but when words want to come, they want to come, who am I to stop them?!!

I gymed it this morning, I felt virtuous for about 15 minutes, but I'm still not up to scratch after the month off sick. It's amazing how quickly and thoroughly you lose fitness. Frustrating to say the least.

Got an email this morning with a bitchy undertone from a co-worker, it sounds like nothing but it's actually something when you know her. I had sent her through a monthly report that I do for her and she wrote back "You don't have to do this for me anymore.... saved you some time!!" which sounds NICE except that I know it's a backhanded bitch at the fact that she asked me to do some of her lackey work that she was palming off onto me last week and I told her straight up that I didn't have time. It sounds small but that stuff really shits me, is it necessary? She's one of those types who has so little self esteem that she likes to make other people feel bad about themselves in order to boost her own sense of self worth. What a bore. I don't have the highest self esteem in the world either but there's absolutely zero chance of me trying to belittle other people because of my own inadequacies.

Why aren't people NICE anymore? Seriously, lol I meet such assholes every day! I deal with such assholes, I work with such assholes. I'm sweet and nice to them and go about my business taking their crap because it's what I do. I WANT to be nice to people, it's who I am. They just think I'm a bimbo (an admittedly smart bimbo but bimbo nonetheless) who just smiles and is happy all the time when in reality I just want to nunchuck them in their faces half the time.

The nicest people I've met recently I haven't even MET! They're here (you know who you are too, you two!!)

So Monday came and went in a tornado of "Oliviaaaaa... Oliviaaaaaaaaa... oLIViaaaaaaaaaaaaaa", in the many different inflections that can be put into a 4 syllable name. I didn't get a lunch break (nothing new there) so 8 o'clock to 5 o'clock was just about as much as I could bare. I did manage to drag my ass away from my desk to go to Angus & Roberston to pick up the books I was asked to order. Hauling 30 books up Rundle Mall was a surprising relief, just to have refuge from the constant demanding shrieks of the office, no matter the heavy nature of a stack of books that size.

TV is woeful. Where oh where has my ratings season gone?

Worries about the wedding and my impending dress fitting this Friday are draining what's left of my energy. It's being sucked out straight through my eyeballs. Please let it zip, please let it zip. No one seems to know where this confounding obsession with my dress zipping or not zipping is coming from. Everyone I mention it to (in passing...I'm not obsessed.. really I'm not hehe) thinks I've lost my mind. Call it bride-itis perhaps. Paranoia, whatever. Just bring on Friday so I can get the humiliation over and done with and hear the words "we can alter it".

Anyway I promised I was going to stop this ridiculousness so I will press the mute button on myself right now cos I fear I'm about to get into a rant.

Tuesday tomorrow, gym in the morning before getting to work by 8, dance class after work at 5:30. What's in between we just won't think about!

Hello Sunday.

Yesterday the weather reflected my mood - Crazy. Insane. Unpredictable.

Maybe even today too - Fine but with a chance of showers.

I need to sort myself out really, because I've spent the whole weekend worrying about going to work on Monday. There's something very not right about that. Weekends aren't for worrying, at least they shouldn't be. I really don't want to get caught up in the cycle of dreading Monday on Friday night. Been there, done that. I wonder if it IS me really, because I actually haven't really liked any of my jobs. But I think that might be a reflection of bad choices on my behalf and taking the wrong path, rather than just having an all round issue with work in general.

My first job out of uni in PR was just not me. I'm not fake enough for the world of PR. And it didn't help that I was being paid less than peanuts. Peanuts would have been positively luxurious by comparison to what I was getting. It was like working my ass off for the tip of a blade of grass a fortnight, not even the WHOLE glorious blade, just the sunburnt tip that's had a dog wee on it!

Then marketing at FN - it was a stop gap really. I didn't hate it, I was just bored. I had nothing to do. The role I had didn't exist, it didn't NEED to exist. Plus familiarity breeds contempt and that's certainly what happened between my boss and I. Learnt my lesson there - don't offer your life up on a silver platter for other peoples digestion.

And now here I find myself, a glorified lackey. And really, the term glorified is overselling it. Ain't no glory. "Do your time" they say, and you'll get where you want to be. But is it even what I WANT?? Not really. Of course where I am now - co-ordinator of everything.. if someone needed help wiping their bum it would be my responsibility "TWO PLY NOT ONE PLY OLIVIA" - is not ideal.. but it's what they call a "stepping stone". I'm just over working for (not WITH.. but FOR) people who are too lazy to do their own shit or to figure stuff out on their own so they handball it all on to me to figure out. To a degree it's my job, to another, larger, degree I'm being used. Completely and utterly used. It's draining. Sometimes when I get home I feel like I don't have anything more to give. I hate the sound of my own name "Oliviaaaaaaa".... "Oliviaaaaaaa"... I hear it all day every day at work. I wonder what they'd do if I just walked out one day. Just said "figure it out yourself you lazy fucker". Hahahah. Will neeevvverrrrr happen.. mortgages have a way of squashing your defiant self!

Robbie Williams is singing "just keep on keeping on" at me through the speakers artfully installed in our ceiling. Shut up Robbie. You're not helping!!!!

This is probably the most accurate shot of what I will look like on my wedding day lol



Not really but ahhh well.

I am however slightly in love with toohey's 5 seeds.. I dont know why I love cider, it's like I never grew out of being 16, or I'm a 57 yr old man.

More to come later I'm just doing this very quickly!

In person it's absolutely perfect except I'm going to ask her to do my lashes shorter :)

As HILARIOUSSSSSLY self obsessed as it is.. here is a succession of a million photos of yours truly lol









All the lipstick has been eaten off.. god i'm bad like that.. buuuut I'm pretty super happy with the finished product :)

messy walk in wardrobe love 2.

There was a little a brown sparrow who lived in a big elm tree, and one day she saw a finch hopping on the grass below and she fell in love. She loved him with all of her little sparrow heart. He was clever and funny and she knew that if they decided to fly together, they would both be so happy and they would fly far and wide. The finch was very resistant, he had had his little finch heart broken by a brazen finch-ette and he was shy and uncertain to get together with the little sparrow just incase he had his little finch heart broken again. The sparrow however was patient. She saw flocks migrate 3 times before the finch fluttered his wings and told her he loved her right back. She was quite certain they were going to be happy forever.

Quite a few seasons later, the finch introduced his little sparrow to one of his new friends, a wren. The little sparrow and the broad shouldered wren made friends immediately, they just seemed to click. The finch was quite happy because he was glad his little sparrow love was getting along with his friends, and the sparrow felt like she was really lucky to have a love like the finch and a friend like the wren.

The finch was very very busy preparing to make a nest and in this time the little sparrow and the wren spent more and more time together. They listened to each others songs, and walked in the park together rummaging in the leaves for crumbs. The little sparrow was surprised how easy it was to open her heart to a wren she had not known for very long. She still loved her finch so so much, but somehow the wren was making her feel things she didn't understand. It was strange. She and the wren were so close, she felt like the wren knew her song before she even sang it, and she his. The wren loved being with the little sparrow just as much as she loved being with him, sometimes he told her he felt this way, and sometimes he kept it to himself. After awhile though, he started getting ruffled feathers as he was very concerned about how the finch would feel about his new found friendship with the little sparrow. The little sparrow and the wren sometimes didn't tell the finch how much they listened to each others songs, but mostly he knew, because the little sparrow didn't feel right keeping secrets.

One day the wren told the little sparrow he was going to fly away for 3 months. The little sparrow was devastated. She felt like she was going to lose her best best friend. She was very confused, she didn't understand why she was so upset but the thought of the wren flying away for a long long time made her little sparrow heart feel like it might break. The wren promised he would be back and that he wouldn't forget about her. He seemed sad too, but he didn't often show her much of how he was feeling really. He just seemed eager to fly away to see the world. He told her it was what he had to do, but he didn't tell her why.

In the mean time, the little sparrow and the finch were still in love. She thought a lot about the wren while he was away and missed him very much. This didn't mean she stopped loving her finch, she definitely didn't.. but the wren was there in the back of her mind and she felt like in some way they had a connection unlike any other. At one point the wren sent her a song from far far away telling her that he felt that connection with her too. She was happy and sad and scared.

When the wren returned though, many months later, even though the little sparrow was so excited at the prospect of seeing him again, the wren wouldn't have much to do with the sparrow at all. She was devastated. He hurt her so much by acting like she didn't exist. She didn't understand it but the wren told her it was how it had to be. She cried by herself at night and she cried on the shoulder of her finch, but didn't tell him how much she was really hurting. As time went on she stopped thinking about the wren, but not completely. She thought about him less, and her longing was not as strong, but it was still there.

One happy day, the finch told the sparrow he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life. The sparrow was ecstatic. She had come to realise over time that she had taken the finch for granted during her friendship with the wren and she'd almost forgotten how clever and funny he was, and how much he loved her and she loved him. She told him she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him too and they were both very very happy.

Every now and then.. the little sparrow thinks about the wren and misses him. She tried to send him a song a couple of times, but he didn't want to sing back, and on the odd occasions they saw each other by accident, he would barely look at her and would disappear into the flock.

The little sparrow will never forget the wren, even though she would like to sometimes. She is looking forward to her lovely life with her lovely finch and is as happy as happy can be.

But there is a little piece of her little sparrow heart that is still a bit broken, and sometimes she still sings a song for the wren.

But he never sings back.

It's Thursday. Thank you captain bleeding obvious I hear you say. I'm exceedingly ready for Friday (which is tomorrow.. ha.. see.. I did listen in school!) because I'm finishing at 1pm - woo.hoo. for. me. Then I'll be off to a makeup trial for the wedding which should be good, I've got mum and Toby coming in (since he's here at the moment from Alice Springs) so photo taking will ensue, naturally.

I've been wracking my brains trying to come up with a reason for my extremely poor body image at the moment, but I'm completely lacking in ideas. I nearly cried last night because I can't believe how fat I think I look. On top of that insanity, I'm analysing everything everybody says to me looking for hidden clues that they think I'm putting on weight. My mum said to me this morning "most brides LOSE weight" and I was like.. thank you for highlighting that I'm NOT. I don't know what's happening, whether it's completely in my head or whether it's just reality slapping me in the face. I'm beyond comprehension at this point. All I know is that I'm terrified of December 4th because what if my dress won't zip up? Yes I'm sure they can alter it, but that would be beside the point, truly. If this is all in my head, it doesn't change anything really, because to me I look hideous.. and there's a problem there. And if it's NOT in my head and it's actually happening and I'm just getting huger and huger, then how do I stop it? Because I'm back at the gym, doing everything that I can, in my opinion I'm not over eating.. but, if this is happening like I think it is, then it's just slowly sliding on. I feel so helpless. I don't want to look back at my wedding photos forever more and think I looked fat and hideous.

When I read this back, I can't help but think how self obsessed I sound. It's just really hard not to focus on it when you have a WEDDING coming up in 44 days! Maybe I just need to knuckle down and work harder. If I really wanted to, I could shed kilo's, it would just be through inappropriate methods, and I'd be slipping back into old habits of not eating. And if I lose all this weight between Dec 4th and the wedding then my dress won't fit at all, since it's being fitted on the 4th. Oh I don't know, I don't know. This is eating up (excuse the pun) way too much of my energy and thinking space.

So we have had a really impressive amount of "yes's" to our wedding, so much so that initially I was starting to get worried that we'd have TOO many guests. Well it just happens that in the final dregs coming in of rsvps we've got a few no's. And that in itself doesn't bother me.. however.. the no's have pretty much all come from MY friends. In fact, if it turns out the way I think it's going to, I'll have TWO friends there that are specifically "my" friends. Not what I was expecting to say the least. I commented to Mark today that we were unexpectedly down on numbers, and he said "well I can invite more people" and I was like.. yeah.. I bet you can.. but then it'll be even more one sided than it already is! I feel really pathetic to be honest. REALLY REALLY pathetic. I am fine with only having a small group of core friends, but I'm not fine with the fact that most of them can't see fit to bother to make the effort to come to my wedding. There's one I'm particularly cut about. But you know, what can I do? Apart from sit around beating myself up about the fact that I'm not likeable enough to have friends good enough to come to my wedding of course.. which I'm doing quite a lot of. Hah. In fact.. in the end there's a chance that my TWO friends that are currently yes's won't even be able to come because she's due to have a baby 2 weeks before and I just can't imagine her feeling up to coming quite frankly.

If that's not enough.. work is just SO bad at the moment. I'm exhausted which doesn't help very much, but I'm getting a bit narky with being everyones slave and the person everyone handballs things to when they can't be bothered figuring out how to do it.. and I thought I was hiding it well but obviously not because one of the women at work today relentlessly pursued me about "what's wrong, whats wrong.. you don't seem yourself"!! And before you say it, it was not in a caring way either. I felt like saying "what ISN'T wrong right now??!". I'm treated like a fucking lackey all day every day, I get zero appreciation 99% of the time, I get completely used and treated like an outsider and the lowest common denominator every minute of every hour, no one ever actually realises how much I do and how much time that it takes so I'm always treated as if I'm not doing ENOUGH and forced to explain myself and my actions.. and I'm also expected to LIKE it and smile through it??? I don't think so. I'm totally exhausted is another thing. Of course that has to do with outside influences like planning a wedding that no one is helping me with.. and every time I ask Mark to do something he doesn't do it and I end up having to do it myself anyway. It's like he doesn't realise what a big deal this is and how much work I'm putting into it. It's making me feel like a slave at work and a slave at home and I'm over it.

I've started back at the gym this week after the month off with whooping cough and cracked ribs. It's probably adding to my exhaustion because I'm getting up at 6 every morning and on top of that it always takes a bit of time to get back into the swing of things and get your fitness back after having all that time off working out. It feels like a struggle to be honest, and whilst I've always worked out hard, it feels more difficult than usual because I'm trying to break through that barrier of lost fitness. Getting to work by 8 every day too is taking it's toll, that extra 30 minutes every day of work actually does make a surprising difference. 8am to 5pm without a proper lunch break day in day out.. just.. kills you. Well it does me anyway. God would I love a job where I actually GOT a lunch break.

Just let me be petty for a moment. One of the very minor little things I have to do at work is monitor when everyones birthday is and bring a cake when it's their birthday. I don't mind doing this, but a lot of pressure is put on me to make a cake, which I always do.. and I don't get repaid the money that is spent on getting the ingredients either.. and half the time I'll bring one in and no one will touch it. Not a soul will have a piece. And I just think to myself.. WHY the FUCK do you put the pressure on for me to make a fucking cake you're not even going to eat??!?

AJgklajfk;ajtiaewkdajfes;hgweajkfd;aj I'm losing it. Seriously. Today I thought to myself it would be a RELIEF to just.. not be alive anymore. Don't freak out.. I'm not suicidal in any way. Losing a best friend to suicide turns you off it for life, that I can assure you. But I just sat here thinking.. it would be so much simpler to not be alive. Not dead. Just not alive. That's the way I feel half the time anyway. Not. Alive.

My florist is an absolute gem. She's not only my florist but she's like a second mother! I adore her, I couldn't have made a better choice. It's brilliant too because I know my flowers will be sublime for the wedding because of the love they will come with,that just oozes from her. How gushy gushy I know but seriously, she's wonderful. So clearly I saw her today; I needed to go back and meet with her because as we have changed our reception venue, we have also changed our tables from rectangles to round, which by default means we had to change the tables floral arrangements. I actually think they are going to be even more beautiful than they were before, they are going to be so soft and romantic, I can't even find a picture that I feel will do the whole thing justice so I'm not even going to bother. Google images is not coming up with anything even remotely close to what we have come up with. Suffice to say - bride happy. Bride very happy. My dream is for a lush romantic reception that's lavish and pretty, with beautiful soft candle light and a real "weddingy" feel. I'm pretty sure that's just what I'll get. I know some brides opt out of the whole "wedding" vibe, going for black and red colour schemes, moulin rouge themes and reception venues that are decorated more like elaborate parties than actual wedding receptions - but I WANT that "wedding" vibe, the plush luxurious decadent bridal feel, complete with david austins and drapery and candles in urns and tea lights dotted everywhere and fairy lights around pillars. So as not to make the non traditionalists among us vomit.. I will stop!

I got my hair done today, it's the last appointment before the week of my wedding which is kind of fabulous and terrifying. I've gone a bit darker, I don' t know if it's how I'll have it done for the wedding, not sure given that its the midst of summer and that's when everyone seems to lighten up, but I dunno, I'll see how I feel. Everyone seems to think it highlights the green of my eyes so that can't be a bad thing, and hopefully I'll be slightly more tanned by january and that seems to marry well with darker hair. Anyway, I'm playing it by ear.



Please excuse the circles denoting a lack of sleep and my wan makeup-less complexion. With any luck I'll fare up better with a bit of panel beating :)

Is there anything more delicious than chicken and mushroom risotto.. I think not!

Yes I'm getting married in about 50 days. January 9th 2010. I long for the time to pass because I want it to be here. So much anticipation, so much planning. An amazing holiday to follow. Promising to be with my favourite person for the rest of our lives. What's not to look forward to? It's what I'm living for. I love the man I am marrying. Sometimes he infuriates me, but I love him. I breathe him.

But then there's the rest. I'm just.not.happy. I don't like me. I don't like ...my life. Don't misinterpret. I love Mark. I want what we have, I want our future. But.. why am I still so, not happy?

I'm not sure if this is just a phase that I'm going through at the moment because I'm down after having been sick for a month, the hospital visit, the wasp sting to the face right when I was just starting to feel better. The disruption to my usual lifestyle routine from being sick, and unable to work out. Not feeling good about myself in general. Maybe it's that. Or maybe it's not.

It has been suggested that I never want what I have. That what I have is never good enough. But I don't think that's accurate.

I am not happy in my job. It's still fresh sure, but I am so sick of being the lowest common denominator. I'm just sick to death of being in workplace after workplace where I am treated like a lackey, like everyones slave. Not like an equal. I don't even like what I do really. But what else CAN I do??

I hate the prospect of having kids and then having to go back to work. Particularly to a job I don't even like. I want to have a family because I want to RAISE my kids. Not send them off to someone else to raise. Why does everyone act like this is the most selfish unachievable thing to want??! I don't even want kids if I can't spend time with them. Maybe that makes me completely self indulgent and unrealistic. Living in a fantasy world. But jesus christ am I sick of people acting like I don't deserve what I want.

I bought a pretty dress last week. Somehow it's not enough to make a difference. Don't mind the flash face.




Smiles can look so real can't they? I. fool. everyone.



Just not myself.

I'm actually just sitting here trying to even fathom how someone who is marrying the man she has loved and adored for the better part of her life in 6 weeks time, and is then going on a sublime dream come true honeymoon of a life time that some people would only dream of.. can whine like such a miserable bitch. Where has my happiness gone? Why can't I find it?

And most terrifying of all, what happens when this wedding that I've beem living for and this honeymoon that I've been looking forward to and has been keeping me going.. are both over?

I seriously think that I may have some form of obsessive disorder at the moment about my weight and how I look. I am utterly preoccupied. In fact, I'm convinced that I'm getting fatter, that my wedding dress won't zip up when I go to try it on for an alterations fitting in early December, and that I'm just completely enormous and getting bigger by the day, in epic proportions. I don't know whether this is my minds way of warning me me to start watching what I'm eating and how much energy I'm exerting cos secretly it knows that weight is sneakily creeping onto me, or whether I've been afflicted with some sort of strange mental discombobulation that's making me completely paranoid. Whatever it is, it's really irritating. Someone told me once that if you think about something more than 5 times in a day then you're "obsessed" with it. Well that would make me ENTIRELY obsessed with this. Because I pretty much think about it every minute of every day at the moment. Including right now.

I've just returned from our work trip this afternoon. On Monday we flew to Sydney, boarded a cruise ship and cruised from Sydney to Melbourne, arriving this morning and flying back to Adelaide around lunch time. I've discovered I'm not a cruiser....just not my scene. But it was certainly an experience. Ripe with sitting around doing nothing and eating too much. I still actually feel a bit like Im on a boat, I keep discovering wobbly bits on completely flat surfaces, and I feel oddly woozy at times for no apparent reason. Still got my sea legs perhaps.

But the main issue I had with the trip really was the food situation. All you can eat buffet. I was at pains to choose tiny portions, vegetable heavy at lunch time, only wholemeal rolls rather than white.. water or no drink at all over soft drinks or alcohol...but I still feel like I absolutely gorged myself. Possibly because I've been so sick in the last month with the whooping cough that my meal sizes and consumption completely dropped off to practically nothing, and so going back to three meals a day seems like it's absolutely stuffing myself with food. And instead of focusing on the steamed carrot and broccoli and the two mouthfuls of vegetable soup I consumed for lunch yesterday, I'm being tormented by the cookie I had at afternoon tea time and the half piece of french toast that I had with my muesli at breakfast. I've been down this track before, being mentally tortured by food but at least then I had some flipping will power!!! A vegemite sandwich in 48 hours kind of will power! That's the kind of steely determination I had. Not that I'm saying that's a good thing, I was absolutely insane and it certainly wasn't sustainable, nor healthy, but at least with my obsession then I had the nouse to actually follow through. Now I just compusively freak out but still have a cookie at afternoon tea time or a bite of rocky road with my coffee. I hate inconsistancy. And it's so much easier to be angry with myself and hate myself for it when I KNOW that I'm not following a good enough regime to keep me where I want to be.

And it's frustrating when people call my skinny and tell me I don't need to worry about my weight. Because whilst I may not be huge, I still want to feel good about myself and like I'm looking my best. And at the moment, I don't feel that way at all. Mark thinks it's all in my head, that I'm delusional. But for me, when his dad says that he thinks I'm looking really well, it's code for I've put on weight. Cos I know they thought I was too skinny. Emphasis on THOUGHT. Apparently NOW I look WELL. Otherwise known as chubs. I want to be in a zone that I consider skinny, not what other people do.

I don't know what to do. Detox? Starve? I don't have it in me to do it it seems. My body doesn't want me to. I'm starving ALL the time. So what do I even do? I don't know. I just don't want to cry myself to sleep in December because I've got armpit muffin top over the top of my wedding dress because I've become a complete whale.

I'm completely terrified.

My weirdness factor is ramping up a notch with every week that passes that's closer to the wedding.

Firstly, for some odd reason I feel fat. Enormous. I don't know whether this is bride-itis, or some strange matrimonial body dysmorphic disorder, but it's driving me nutttssss. I sent a text to Niamh last night saying how fat I was feeling and she wrote back saying that I was being ridiculous. And all I can think is that SHE'S being ridiculous if she can't see it. Seriously, there's something wrong with me lol.

And I've spent the last 20 minute googling table number holders!!!! 20 MINUTES!!! I mean, that's just nuts. What am I looking for exactly???

I leave tomorrow for our 2010 planning meeting, we fly to Sydney and then cruise from Syd-Melb and then fly back to Adelaide on Wednesday afternoon. I wish I could explain why I'm dreading what to everyone else sounds like it would be an absolute blast.. but I can't! I mean, save to say that it's work. And I get sea sick. I'd rather just email in my 2010 goals and stay home for 3 days instead. Haha, doesn't quite work that way I don't think.

I'm forever surprised my blood type is A-positive. I'm sure they've got it wrong, I think I was supposed to be O-negative.

Anyway...back to table number holders...........

How the months change things. Today is my first post in exactly four months. I'm now 7 weeks out from my wedding and working in the job that in my last post I touted as my "big job opportunity". How funny to read that back.

Work is marketing/training at McDonald's head office. It's serious. Busy. Frenetic actually. I feel exhausted at the end of every day, but in the end I suppose it's better than boredom. I would be lying if I said I didn't sometimes just wish I could pack it all in, get married and become a mum and leave it at that. That's my secret plan. That and writing my childrens book(s).. if only I could find an illustrator... and eventually my brilliant novel. Dream catch me.

Come on wedding, hurry up! I'm not ready in the sense that I don't have EVERY little detail sorted, in fact it's actually just become more in disarray because of the changes I've made to where on the venues property we're having the wedding ceremony and reception.. I've made things HARDER for myself if you can believe it. But I'm ready to have a wedding. Ready to be married. Ready for a lovely honeymoon!!!

7 weeks, I wish I could blink and miss it!

Long time between posts. I have been struggling to find words I suppose. Things have been fine though in the grand scheme of things. I will probably find out tomorrow if I have the big job opportunity I've been waiting for. So fingers crossed on that. Working at DJ's (despite my initial commentary about how much I wanted/needed/HAD to get the job there) is starting to do my head in. I need something more, with a better future and more opportunity to build a career. Tomorrow could be the start of that for me, so we'll see won't we. I don't tend to have the best luck in the world though so I'm not holding my breath. Blue is not really my colour.

In what must have been a day of karmic quarrelling with the universe for me (for reasons I'm not yet sure of) a bird attacked me yesterday. Apparently I must have looked threatening (well.. I do like eggs.. and it was breakfast time..) and a devilish looking murray magpie swooped down and beat my eye socket with its wings momentarily; or it may have been attempting a snatch and grab - beak versus eyeball. It was rather unfortunate and I let out quite a loud expletive on the street once I'd realised what had happened. Not my usual style.

A few hours later when I was preparing for an interview, the one I wasn't particularly excited about because any idiot could do the job, I managed to somehow drop my toothbrush which proceeded to do a barrel roll down my emerald green jacket. The word irritation would be putting it mildly. Fortunately for me (since all my 'dressy' clothes are at mums whilst we're holed up at the out-laws place) I managed to sponge off the suspiscious looking white stains and proceed forthwith.

If I DON'T get offered a job at DJ's then I will be absolutely convinced forevermore that I am an unemployable moron all of a sudden. It's not like everyone that was in the group interview was borderline retarded, but there were certainly a few that conjured up the words 'mildly autistic' in me. Amongst the normal handful though, I seem to have procured myself a potential new friend. An Irish lassie (I can say lassie cos.. well.. she's Irish, and it seems somehow appropriate to use vocabulary that I have never before been privy to!)  was the person I lobbed myself next to while we were waiting to be lead like cattle into the interview room. She has lived in Australia for 2 months with her husband and can't find a job and henceforth probably knows no one, so I handballed her my mobile phone number and suggested we have a coffee sometime, saying I know how tough it must be being in a new country and not knowing anyone (I don't actually...know how tough that would be...but you can imagine). I feel somewhat guilty about the ulterior motive I had, in that I have so few female friends of my own and I saw her as an easy mark to make a new one. I think she'd probably feel rightfully jipped if she knew the one normal girl in Adelaide that for some inexplicable reason doesn't have a whole gaggle of girlfriends to welcome her into the fold, happened to be the one to "pick her up" so to speak, in the dank hallway in the inner depths of a department store. Oh well, who knows, maybe she'll end up being my best friend. One can only hope.

Only up to what feels like day 3589 of unemployment. It really is quite a shame that it had to stop feeling fun and breezy being jobless. I'd far prefer to be back in those days in the begining where I felt like I was just on holidays, footloose and fancy free. I now feel like I'm becoming one of those bitter welfare cheats who hates the world and feels completely useless.. well, to be fair, I have one use.. if chocolate eating really constitutes a "use" that is. In reality I'm just heading into two months of my "forced holidays". It'd be okay if the money wasn't starting to dry up. The only thing I dare treat myself to is chocolate covered marshmallows (by the truck load), I even joined a LIBRARY today. Can you imagine it?? Reading USED books with other peoples dinner stains and sneezes all over the pages. Never thought I'd see the day.

I'm still pondering on how my wedding caused my demise. Did I seriously get laid off because I'm getting married? Well, yes. That and the fact that my boss was (and IS) a manipulative, scheming, fat, jealous, barren, whorebag.

I've got an interview tomorrow for a job in retail. You can imagine my enthusiasm. Not. (Oh how 90's of me.. I created a sentence out of the word "not"!). I'm only going because it might be an opportunity to get an interim job before someone realises my (not very) hidden potential and snaffles me up.

Mum is convinced I'm destined for greater things (that's mums for you). She thinks I should apply for senior executive positions even though I'm not at all qualified or even remotely experienced, just because she's convinced I can "do anything" and that as soon as they "see me" they will want to hire me on the spot. Talk about blind optimism. It'd be cute if it wasn't somewhat irritating.